pain and hope – a poem, a cathartic writing, a card to help – Sierra

“The thought, ‘You’re lucky, it could have been worse,’ is the kind of gratitude I can do without. It also could have been better, or, actually, it couldn’t have been any other way than the way it was.”

Hugh Prather


 As someone who was abused and then raped by someone I trusted, and even loved, I can say that “lucky” is the LAST thing I felt.





Now those i felt.

Like a bug

under a shoe


I didn’t die.


“well isn’t’ that lucky?”

NO, in a word it’s not. Because the truth that it happened has to be faced now. You have to watch as the ones who you always thought would stand by you forever disappear. And as you question them on, “How? How could you possibly leave me like this?  You start to realize that it’s not all their faults. Because this horrific thing that damaged you, and yes it damaged you, it ripped your trust away, or at least it did for me. I didn’t trust myself, let alone anyone I knew. I was left alone and then there’s the flashbacks, reliving over and over, the good and bad of him. Of who he once was and questioning, “Did I do something to deserve it?


Did I change him into the monster? Days are plagued by these horrible thoughts and then the nights were filled with horrid nightmares so vivid it feels real . “Time heals all pain” they say… well normally I agree but when it feels like a fresh wound every day constantly throbbing as if salt is poured into it hourly.

Is there any hope?

Yes, it takes someone that actually loves you, to help you. It doesn’t have to be romantic. For me it was about getting my power back and I did that though pain to pleasure works. It sounds odd but by handing over my body and letting go and slipping into a place where all you can feel is your nerves where up is down and left is right.

The spinning clears your head


you can breathe again.

And for the first time in months.

I slept.

For real,

I slept.

My advice for anyone who has been abused in anyway:

Find the thing that makes your head spin so you can slip from reality and see up as down and left as right, and then see how you feel afterwards when things come into focus. DON’T DO DRUGS THOUGH, THEY DON’T HELP. THEY JUST MAKE IT WORSE.  THE FLASHBACKS ARE NOT WORTH THE TRIP. THE NUMBNESS MAKES THE ABUSE WORSE. 

Do you know what makes your head spin in a good way? Is it helping? Is it safe?

Man of Worlds –  feels like #hitchhikersguidetothegalaxy, #fear, #Achievermundainandspectacular

You may find yourself suddenly spiritually overwhelmed, potentially with no obvious reason. Try to break down these feelings into manageable chunks,”



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