Right after my sister died I lost hope. The world was hazy, and my emotions were floating face down in a sea of darkness. I decided to end my life. Terrified of screwing up and being a bigger burden on my family, I was determined. One of the neighborhood kids mentioned the Suicide Hotline to me in passing. I didn’t call, and I didn’t kill myself. The scars on my arms have faded considerably.
At school the next day, I panicked. I hadn’t done my homework because I spent hours trying to decide how to end my existence. The fear of reprisal from my teacher wasn’t paralyzing. When I was asked why I hadn’t done my homework I told the truth. I was whisked to the office. Then I spent some time as an outpatient around other teens in a mental hospital.
I was the only person there not on heavy drugs or self-medicating with prescription drugs. My depression paled in comparison to the illnesses I saw there. The memories have haunted me. Watching young teenagers detoxing, having flashbacks, be institutionalized for being different was painful, I cried watching Disney movies for crying out loud. For once part of me felt a little normal and a lot more scared of life than death.
I begged my family to leave, I don’t clearly remember what happened after that. I went back to school, then dropped out. Everything became a numb blur. Since then, I have been suicidal. It is a daily demon I deal with. To clarify, I have no intention to act on these feelings. These feelings are red flags for me that something is wrong.
Every day I choose to live. This is where we find the seven of pentacles. As I read different descriptions of the card one fact popped to life repeatedly. Life is a choice.
My mind ran to suicide.
Life is a choice. We make decisions every day, that shift where we are and who we are. The smallest actions lead to repercussions on every spectrum of emotion.
Daily we choose to live. Daily we choose to die.
What choice will you make today?
Peace, Love and Great Vibes,
If you like the image you can find the deck here.