Crunchy – Sexual trauma talk

About a week ago I had an intense PTSD experience.

Hubby started tickling me and was talking to me like I was a kid in need of being tickled, then it happened. Everything went dark and I don’t remember what happened. When I came to I was puking on the floor and i had pissed myself. I stripped and crawled into the shower. Both of my partners came into the bathroom to ask me what had happened.

They told me I had assumed a defensive posture and was crying out no. I was rocking. All I remember was being terrified and puking on the floor.

Since then in have been trying to figure out what the trigger was and what memory I was pulled into. It was a deeply repressed memory for certain. I remember being molested by a male babysitter when I was a young child. The sitter hurt and molested my sister many times. I had a very negative feeling towards him while he was still babysitting us. There was a time when I put on my mother’s high heels and walked up to him wanting to rack the teenage boy. He just grabbed me by my arms hand held me out from his body. 

I don’t know if the repressed memory that was triggered last week was from the guy or if it was someone else. As I write this and try to find the memory, gorge rises in my throat. I obviously do not want to even get near the memory.

When I told my mother about my molestation as I was a teenager, I was told it was just a plea for attention and maybe I didn’t need to go to college after all. So I repressed the newly surfacing memories.

Now I am going back to therapy again to deal with the traumas and repressed memories.

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