“Do I have your permission to share what I say with others if I choose to? I ask because much of the insanity I’ve experienced, the memories I’m trying to share fall in many taboo places. I feel comfortable talking with you about long-term suicidal thoughts and know that I won’t stop the story until it is finished. ”
When I was a young teenager, I knew the tiny creatures crawling across my ceiling were not real. With my eyes sealed shut I could still see the small insects crawling over every surface of my room. I could feel the trillions of minuscule creatures scurrying over my skin. There were ants everywhere.
I was hallucinating on the new anti-psychotic meds.
That was the fifth new cocktail I had been on in a year. I had spoken to my psychologist about seeing fairy lights and hearing voices. At the time, sensitives and empaths were best medicated rather than taken seriously. The doc tossed me on an experimental drug for schizophrenia. It didn’t help. I got worse.
Sleeping two hours a night for five years and meditating for two hours a day for the first three, I was a wreck. The voices in my head dug deeper and I grasped at all glimmers of happiness. The first time I told anyone that I wanted to kill myself I ended up in a day program. On my second attempt to explain what was going on in my head I was met with disbelief .
For eighteen years I have suffered from suicidal ideologies. This means that I deal with suicidal thoughts every single day. Some days are easier than others. Yes, I have been in therapy… a lot. No, I’m not going to kill myself. I am a coward and don’t have an extraordinarily good reason to die today.
A dirty four letter word keeps me moving forward. Hope. “Tomorrow isn’t a guarantee,” but if I kill myself there is absolutely no tomorrow. Hope isn’t cowardly, but it is addictive and powerful mental drug.
Just because I have suicidal thoughts does not mean I’m going to kill myself. The suicidal thoughts are the warning bell. A key to cue me in.
The thoughts mean: I need to make a change in my life.