; – Thoughts of Suicide & Life – Part 5

“The light at the end of the tunnel is usually the light of the on coming train.”

Keith Krohn

The ever present thoughts of ‘ending my life will make the suffering stop,’ seems like a lie. That beautiful light far, far down the tunnel could very easily be the next obstacle to overcome, not the “entrance to the pearly gates.”

Part of me has grown to welcome the oncoming train in hopes that it will run me over but the other part welcomes the challenge and gives me hope for tomorrow. I read a book on stoicism and found that the shit life throws at me is ‘suppose’ to help me leg up. However, the outcome is mine to choose. I have to wonder if the ever growing and ever more difficult obstacles are really to help me grow and not me creating more drama to see how far I can push the resolve not to kill myself.

The appeal of ending my life seems to simply be, “END THE SUFFERING.” However, my guilt kicks in then, ending my life creates more suffering. It might end my pain but suffering will not end with my last breath. If anything it will only perpetuate the pain.

I once postulated if suicide was contagious and I am truly beginning to believe that it is. A husband kills himself and his wife drinks herself to death a year later. Two years later their daughter hangs herself. The daughter’s daughter later commits suicide after her boyfriend kills himself.

When my sister tried to kill herself I was beside myself. I couldn’t understand why she wanted to die so much. She had everything, but the grief and guilt of not being there when our baby sister died weighed heavily on her, so did the pain and guilt from the rape she had been victimized by. It took me a while to see past my own pain and see the trauma she experienced. She is much stronger of a person now and seems to have her shit together, but, she wanted the light to be the gates. Grief is strong, it is hard to get through.

We have a choice. Well, we have hundreds of choices to make. Each is unique and choosing to not do something is as big a choice as choosing to do something. We choose to regret by not letting go and moving on. We choose to live in hell by not living our life to the fullest. We have the choice to move on and move past the oncoming trains in our lives, we only have to make the choice to step aside.

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