In times of great winds – some build bunkers, others build windmills.
Suicidal thoughts are like bunkers – deep holes in the mind. The thought processes that dig them into place, are slowly dug, spoonful by spoonful until a backhoe digs the grave. However, when facing the thoughts I try to think of them as windmills. The thoughts create movement in my mind that I resist, like water hitting a water wheel or wind hitting the blades. Suicidal thoughts have the power to create monumental positive change in our lives. If we choose to use them to examine and build a new foundation. However, not everyone can escape or deal with the thoughts and they leave us here wondering.
Why are we left here while they have gone on? Why can’t I just end my life already? Why am I here? Why? Why am I so angry? Why? Why? Why? Why do these thoughts hit me over stupid things? Why do these thoughts batter at my soul when I feel threatened or upset?
Why is the hardest question to ask and the most important question when hit by suicidal thoughts. When we find the “why” we have the responsibility to ourselves to ask another question.
How can I use the “why?” answer to change or accept my emotional dissonance and move forward?
Journal daily and learn from the things you see on the paper.