I don’t believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time.
– Wendy O. Williams
Fear, panic, anger, hate, desperation, exhaustion, grief, guilt, and joy are some of the reasons suicide crosses my mind. After long periods of contemplation, I can see the ups and downs of my thoughts. It isn’t that I want to die, it is more like I am exhausted.
Between the news, the gripping paralysis of memories and the pain of the past I have trouble living in the present. The future is a slim glimmer of light off in the distance of the long-long tunnel I’m in. Setting aside the influences of everything outside of my head I must reflect and release the things in my mind that drive me into insanity.
When thoughts of cutting, walking in front of a moving vehicle, shooting up, drinking, or other self-destructive thoughts and habits arise I think back on the dead. Memories slowly infuse my mind. Sometimes this takes a lot longer than I would like, but eventually, the images of people arise.
I think back to the people who succeed in suicide. One drove into a lake, they found him two days later. One was found on the floor of their shower with slits from wrists to elbows. Another never woke from the bottle of pills next to the bed. The latest choose to OD and left a suicide note and will.
The somberness of the funerals is still gut wrenching. I wondered why they had given up. They seemed to have so much going for them. The aftermath of the deaths are as painful as the feelings that drive my desire to hurt myself or desire to kill myself.
If I’m in a terrible place I think back to the two people I know, who got closer to suicide than I did. Their time as inpatients – no guests allowed. I remember the pain the families experienced after my friends came home. Then I consider the changes that followed.
His once close family fractured – his mother walked around on eggshells for months and his father wouldn’t look at him. Her parents took six weeks off from work and stayed at home with her.
His sister made an effort to be around more and his brother all but disappeared. Her siblings picked up the slack in the house and took her out to do things they knew made her happy.
He is a miserable lump behind a computer screen. She has healed enough to have a life beyond four walls.