mental health

#EPICfaiL #Vegan #parenting & #pizza

Monday was great. I was taken out for salad.

Tuesday I heated up beir rocks.

Wednesday… Epic Fail I was exhausted. Only got 3 hours of sleep. In the morning I at dolmas, a banana, and Oreos… Yes, Oreos are vegan. Then the afternoon came around. I had both kids alone… I ordered Pizza. The pasta without sauce with mushrooms, onions, and spinach for the kids.

But I ate the spinach, Feta, and mozzarella cheese bread. God, I’m paying for it. My body is achy and my stomach feels like a train is tunneling through it at full speed. My emotions are crazy strong I started to cry out of the blue. God dairy hormones are intense when you eat it for the first time in a long time.

I’m not sure why I wanted Pizza so badly. I guess the convenience won me over… a screaming one year old who had been screaming from teething pain for 4 hours straight ended my will power at about 4:45 PM.

That is one of the reasons I feel like crap right now. I spent money on things that I do not want to perpetuate… I bowed my ass over to a consumeristic mentality and took the easy way out. I could have easily tossed more beir rocks into the oven or made a salad, or any number of quick fixes like a bowl of cereal. But I didn’t.

Now I am paying for it.

So what do you do when you mess up or miss read a label or in general epic fail at being vegan?

#parenting #friendship and #cancer

Some mornings I wish I wouldn’t open facebook or any social media… I went and looked at a friends feed and tears started rolling down my cheeks. Her daughter has cancer.

The first cancer post I skimmed and skipped. Not realizing it was her daughter. Then the Make A Wish Foundation post…

Three of my siblings had Make A Wish trips. Those memories flooded back… Then the pain and exhaustion in my friends eyes made sense. I had seen that look before in the Ronald McDonald House.

Last night one of the parents from RMH Houston posted about her daughters remains being stolen. Back to my friend… She looked exhausted. I wanted to see how happy she and her family was… There are days I really need to just hide.

My friend was around when my sister died of a brain tumor. She was around when my brothers were born sick. I can only hope that the experiences help her be strong.

We all face the unknown.

#autism #Parenting #WTFReally ?

A disassembled bed and a snow day.

Rotate the laundry… find my missing shampoo bottle… empty wrapped up in a t-shirt covered in shampoo.

Start a breakfast… look for the oatmeal… give up when I find the bag empty when it was half full before bed. Pour cereal and soy milk.

Start washing dishes… notice the water pressure is low, suddenly hear the shower running below me. Walk calmly to the bathroom… Find the kiddo’s mattress in the shower. Beathe deeply and imagine I’m on a beach doing SunSalutation.

No school… Nothing productive done…

Walk into the kitchen after going to the bathroom, find son naked making brownies… his own recipe. At least he likes to cook… Why is the commercial size baking powder tub full of cocoa and honey?

Take a shower… Have son come in bathroom and want a shower… finish rinsing conditioner out of my hair, plait hair then get a towel, dry off then get dressed. Then he follows me out and wants a hug not a shower… give him a hug and send him back to bed.

Walk into my bedroom… Find child wrapped up in a blanket watching cooking videos on youtube. His mattress is still wet. Cuddle for one video, take the laptop and start writing… He bangs is head on the wall, 10 minutes later is asleep… still sitting up. I readjust him then tuck him in and go hide in the laundry room to write.

 

Life in the day of a Gothic MomShell… AKA This Autism Mom.

 

If you like what I write and want to support my son’s painting habits or life in general click HERE.

Peace Love and Great Vibrations,
 

Steffi

#specialneeds #parenting #coaching

I pointed proudly at the bottle of liquid soap in the bathroom. It had been a stretch to get it, normally we only used bar soap. The home visit from the nursing company was going to be a regular and frequent event. Baby boy was home from the hospital for the first time and it had been almost two months getting a nurse to the house. He was trached and on O2, the doctor expected him to have nursing within days of us being home.

Looking back on that day I feel absolutely absurd. The poor nurse wasn’t a caseworker from child protective services, though in my mind any worker who visited was treated with the same care.

So how did I survive IN-HOME nursing and people in my house for therapies, services, and drop-ins?

  • I kept the house as clean as I could.
  • I treated them like human beings.
  • I used the therapist to learn how to be a good parent and take care of my kiddo to the best of my ability.
  • I reminded myself that no matter how poor I was they were not going to take my child away because I didn’t have a new (insert consumeristic B.S. here)
  • I reminded myself that the specialist who was in my house was there to HELP ME help my child grow and develop in the LEAST RESTRICTIVE ENVIRONMENT.

 

 

If you like what I write and want to support my son’s painting habits or life in general click HERE.

Peace Love and Great Vibrations,
 

Steffi

#parenting #coaching #Autism & getting shit done

A year ago I hung up the phone with a coach’s parting words ringing in my ears, “I don’t know how you get anything done.” My son had been screaming in the background home sick that day and Hubby had been vying for my attention because he needed help with his client. I couldn’t reschedule with the coach due to her tightly booked schedule so I plugged through the phone consult repeating myself frequently and hearing her irritation grow. I decided that when I pick a coach they need to have a kid or be the oldest in a gaggle of kids.

 

Months ago I took my son to therapy with me. My therapist’s words still ring in my ears, “You can describe something but sometimes you just have to see it to understand.”   I took him with me today because he was already having a rough morning. The day after  Christmas we didn’t open the front door at all. He, like his father, loves to be on the road and hates being cooped up anywhere. I guess she understood why I asked for weekly therapy sessions. Then again, I fired her.

SO how do I get shit done?

  • Set alarms
  • skip sleep occasionally
  • eat highly nutritious food
  • drink lots of water
  • laugh a lot
  • know that I’m not gonna get everything done… unless I skip sleep. Even then… It isn’t all gonna get done.
  • lists, lists, lists and more lists
  • visual dream boards
  • I breathe

 

If you like what I write and want to support my son’s painting habits or life in general click HERE.

Peace Love and Great Vibrations,
 

Steffi

#Review – Earth Balance #Vegan Cheddar Squares – #autism

Confession: I eat small bags of CheezIt’s in the car occasionally… When I am completely alone.

Okay, so I love trying Vegan food.  However, my son and his father are allergic to dairy. Dairy really messes with my kiddo’s Autism and makes meltdowns intense!!!

We eat a 99.99% dairy-free foods and eat vegan most days.

THE REVIEW >>>>

In a side by side taste test I prefer Earth Balance #Vegan Cheddar Squares. I like the buttery-nutty flavor. The crunch is softer than Cheez-It‘s. The flavor is a bit more intense, it isn’t exactly a sharp cheddar flavor, I can taste the nutch. It is more of a mild cheddar with a buttery flavor.

SECOND CONFESSION: I bought the box for my hubby and son… Then I ate the whole thing before I got home. I had to buy a second box.

#DeathsTeaParty #amwriting #snippit

I can feel my life grinding, breath by breath, to a halt. My chest rattles deeply with the fluid of certain death. A baby crying in the distance could just as easily be on the vid screen across the hall.

Why did I choose to die in this hell hole reeking of piss?

Peace filled me as the anger and human emotion of self-loathing dissipated. The smell of narcissus filled my nostrils.

The oddity of this side of death is bewildering, fear seems to permeate.  I know I can do this with some modicum of grace. Persephone has died hundreds of times.

I know what is coming.

For some reason, this feels too real and too surreal. Yet, letting go of this body feels wrong.

The unknown isn’t holding me back. What is keeping me from ending this lifetime?

#failure #coaching #autism – My challenge for this past February

I Hate Paperwork.

It gives me anxiety like no tomorrow.

I managed to put together every shred of paperwork in my house and then sat for the majority of the month just staring at the 3 large and one huge reusable bags overflowing with paper.

I avoided them… I.e. I did everything in my power to not be in the room with them.

So finally the last full weekend of the month I finally sat down to do the papers. I dressed in my nicest top, put on a pretty bra and my nicest jeans, I packed up the bags and drove to a friends house. Two cups of coffee, one sandwich, and one long-winded lecture later I began.

Eight hours later I was still going through the papers on their kitchen table. Two bags held files that had been sorted and organized; one with the taxes, hubby’s stuff, my stuff and all the other miscellaneous important stuff, the other bag was filled 4/5ths with Ben’s IEP’s and medical record. On the floor there was a large box was filled with papers I needed to sort into; recycle and shred.

I was one bag away from finishing my paperwork on my RESPITE day, when I got three texts.

“Come home please

Ben is missing

Hurry”

My heart hit the floor.
I dropped everything. Literally, I dropped the papers in my hand.  Bolting upright I ran for the door, the words, “Ben is missing,” came out as the screen door slammed. I drove down the street like a bat out of hell. There were cops in my neighborhood when I got there. No one told me what was going on.
Hubby was freaking out, Unicorn was walking down the street with a cop. I parked the car and started thinking like my son. The open gate across the street called to me and I walked through it. On the next street, I lost all signs of my son.
Panic set in. I walked down the street hollering that my son was missing and asking everyone on the street at almost 9 pm  if they had seen him and to help. I wanted to pull my hair out and scream and cry. How could either of the adults in my house have let him run off? How long had he been gone? What was I going to do if we didn’t find him? I walked almost twenty blocks as I circled back to the house.
“Has anyone gone down the hill?” I cried out to the police officer standing in my yard. I was trying to remember I I had put the flashlight back on the hook, praying that Ben hadn’t taken it or pulled the batteries out again.
“We found him”.
The panic eased and all I wanted was to hug my son. Then the rage hit me. “Where is he?”
D and Unicorn tried to half-heartedly stop me as I stormed into the house and down the stairs to my son’s room. I wanted to beat some sense into him, but I didn’t.
I marched my punk ass, two days away from being seven, son up the stairs to apologize and say thank you to the pretty shocked police officers. At that point, I found out how the police had been involved.
My half-naked son had wandered into the first unlocked house. The wonderful people figured out pretty quickly that kiddo was special-needs and called the police.
We were incredibly lucky that Ben was found safe and sound. Most kids with autism that wander off into dangerous situations.  Wandering AKA Elopement is terrifying. It also causes more paperwork to deal with.
Oh and if you are wondering my paperwork is still sitting… waiting for me to finish it. I’ll get back to it in a few days.
Untill Next Time,
Confession of a Special Needs Mom

#FinalisFinibusTractus – #scifi – #poetry #TheEntrusted

Alone,

on the oil-soaked beach,

a monk,

in bright orange robes.

and

a respirator

watched as thousands of streams of steam

diffused

in the red smog-choked sky.

 

 

The job had been described as a death sentence.

 

She volunteered.

 

Along with 10,000 machines,

eight hundred monks

and

four hundred scientists

together they

would bring back the garden

called

Earth.

 

~~~

SRWM

~~~

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#OBLITUSVERBA – #AMWRITING #WRITINGPROMPTS

I wish I could say my emotions were under control.

I wish I could say that I am stable as stone, alas stone is unstable.

I wish I could say that my mind was balanced, yet the winds shake tears loose.

I wish I could say that my mood is impassive, however, empathy drives me insane.

Oh to be stolid and solid of will, Sadly I am a mote of dust in a sandstorm.

 

 

Photo Curtesy of #LandPhotographyService

If you like my work consider becoming a patron via https://www.patreon.com/Steffimcknight